blackdog, thank you for your service to our country.

It's a good sign for you to be reaching out to others who are going through many of the same issues. Hard step to take but well worth it.

My PTSD is not from years of combat; it's a not so lovely thing I brought home from serving in Nam as a nurse.
Anger issues. You are very polite in saying it that way.
For myself, I was p*ssed off at "them." Those insulated ones who put us in harm's way without the backup we needed, and never took responsibility for their actions.

God forbid we asked for anything when we came home! Then and now it's a second battle to get benefits for physical and/or mental wounds. Passing the buck is a polite way of saying veterans are being screwed over.
But it did reinforce my determination to get the help I needed to stay alive...it did pay off.

Anger at myself for not getting everyone home safely. Whenever a push came in, it was decision time. This one got attention and probably lived, this one had to wait and probably died. Unless they died in our arms, we didn't know squat.
It was years before I understood that I did my best, and allowing myself to grieve was healthy for me.

Sleep scared me. The nightmares. Letting down my guard/feeling safe enough to sleep. No one had our backs, we were on our own. Christ, it was lonely!
Alcohol and drugs did a helluva good job at times in sliding me into an oblivion of sorts. Waking up could be a ******. Hangovers and heartache make a fierce combination.

...and people wonder why we seek out each other?! to make some sense of it all, try and put things in order and not feel so fragile and forgotten, finding ways to let go of the guilt, to get up in the morning knowing that day most likely will not bring relief.

It does get better.
I couldn't take it one day at a time, often it was ten excruciating minutes at a time.
Put one foot in front of the other and keep going? Hell, sometimes I didn't know where my feet were. Sloth steps were easier and it was forward movement of sorts.

Jmo, but it takes listening to others, making no judgement about it helping us, allowing ourselves time to absorb then disregard what may not be right for us.
We find our path of healing via detours, falling on our butts, taking/grasping the hand that is offered when we do fall.
So many things, blackdog.

There is no one method fits all. But there are things that will help us. Time used to be my four-letter word for FI...

Keep talking, don't give up no matter how seductive that may sound, stay close to your brothers; they are most likely battling some of the same things.

Please let us know how you are doing. We care. You don't have to go it alone.
For me, it was hearing/reading something that gave me a kernel of hope. Not a Eureka! I'm cured kernel...sometimes they were very tiny things that eased it for an iota of time. These kernels start sticking together and those iotas become minutes...

The facade we present to others can be one of bravado, for me, I felt FUBAR for a long time.

Damn I'm good at running my mouth. Sorry 'bout that...it's the sincere hope of trying to help.

Semper Fi

In Peace
Catherine