Dear T

I should talk to you about the nightmares, visual ideas that come to mind, and the ever-growing fear that i will just explode. Like seriously just boom. I am an itchy, twitchy, antsy mess. I am disgusting. There are just too many triggers...and wonder if cutting deeply into skin could make it stop. Maybe to cut the badness out. Or to just rake and beat at myself until i black out and actually stop...

I dont know how to bring this up in real life with the program so far. I dont know if i want to change at all to be near anyone, enjoy relationships at any level (shudder), or delve more into intimate awareness in any way (SHUDDER). I dont know why these memories and images are around and want attention (again). I dont know why i am scared...of me...How dangerous could things be if this keeps building up, yet am too afraid?

*curls up safely alone in a ball and *