Quote:
Originally Posted by RomanSunburn
I hope this doesn't come off as harsh... But I'm a little curious... You describe your wife as frigid, Victorian, and unimaginative. Personally, I think those are very harsh words to describe someone you supposedly love. I'm also a little curious about which came first... You calling her those things or her possibly giving off that image. Also, I noticed in another thread that you mentioned you had an affair... I wouldn't be surprised if that severely hurt her self esteem. It sounds like she has very low self esteem, based on your brief descriptions of her. I also feel like you have a fairly limited idea of what you think acceptable sex is, meaning if it's not wild and crazy, it's not sex. I guess what I'm saying is... these walls that she has built up... Did she build them herself, or did you have a hand in it? I'm also curious what your reaction was when she told you that you felt like you and the therapist were ganging up on her. Did you say, "I'm sorry you feel that way -- lets go to therapy and talk about it to figure out a more balanced way of discussing things" or did you just kind of... throw in the towel? I'm a hopeless romantic, but I believe you can still have a very loving, sexual relationship with your wife if you want it. But I'm getting the sense you don't want it. So maybe you should actually consider the idea of divorce. If not for you, then for her, so that you both can find someone to love you the way you want and deserve to be loved. And don't tell me you're too old, because love doesn't have an age limit on it -- my grandfather married his second wife very late in life, and was as happy and in love as high school kid.
I'm not trying to be a brat about this, but I feel like you have been extremely hard on your wife, and I just want you to think outside of your own situation for a minute. I think there is a way to solve this so that both of you are happy. I'm not 100% sure what that would be, but I don't think you should be giving up just yet.
Again, I'm really sorry if this came off as harsh or rude...
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Thanks Roman, You raised some valid questions. Although you think my descriptions are harsh, I suspect that you would agree with me if you had been dealing with these issues for as long as I have. No doubt that my extramarital affair affected our relationship; it seems EMAs always do. However, that happened 33 years ago and also, it is sort of a question of which came first: the chicken or the egg. When that happened, I was already frustrated with her low libido and versatility in bed. It is a fact that I have a high libido and she has a low libido. (Having a high libido does not make a person unfairly or perversely demanding.) Also, there were other interpersonal issues which I have not discussed here. When my EMA came to light, I thought she would want a divorce which I was prepared to do. However, that was not her reaction so I stuck with her, largely out of guilt and because of children. Some 15 years later, because of ongoing interpersonal and family situations (only secondarily sex), I gave her an ultimatum: Either go through maritial counselling or we get divorced. We did 12 weeks of counselling, which she superficially engaged in. Later, after it was all over in an argument, she accused the counsellor and me of ganging up on her. (She also never read Men Are From Mars; Women Are From Venus, as prescribed by the counseller as I did.) If you read my original post carefully, you may have noted that I said that outwardly our relationship is hunky-dory. Those who know us as a couple would think that we are as loving as 68-year old people can be. I do not really know what her inner feelings are about sex anymore because of the communication walls that exist. However, I do know that much of what I have shared here would be verboten with her. Believe me, because I have known this woman since 1956 when we were in the sixth grade and I started having sex with her in 1962. At this time in our lives, I can say for sure that she is not suffering from self-esteem problems--just the opposite, at least as far as I am concerned. As a teenager and young adult, she may have lacked a certain amount of self confidence, but NO MORE
. I really don't think there is anything that can be done at this point that will improve my sex life with her; divorce is not an option--it is now too late for that. Thanks for your thoughtful post, however.