trigger for mention of SI



things have been for the most part been on an even plain.i have had my therapy day changed and that was amazing,i had a somewhat good visit with my son(the stepmother could have stayed home she caused problems and stress)i also got some much needed information and help with what i was dealing with when my son came home on leave. i have been OK not great but OK. i did have a few moments when i was at my sons graduation but i was OK.NOW i wake up in a panic today i am having SI thoughts and I'm not so sure how thing are with my relationship with my T.i am kind of lost and i don't know what to think or do.so much of a part of me doesn't want to talk to her at all.it kind of isn't a fear this time it is more of a power thing.i want to SI in a way to say F-you.but i would never tell her i did it.i want to go in there and say nothing just sit there.i don't know if this is because i am so disconnected with her right now for some reason i want to push the limits of our so called relationship.i just don't know but I'm scared that i am going to destroy our relationship tomorrow I'm going to get her furious with me. all i can think of is i want her to be .otherwise why am i wanting to do all this stuff.it like OK i don't need you ,i don't want you near me,etc... WHY?????