every disagreement doesn't have to be a fight to the death, with the mother triumphant and us beaten down and humiliated - but that's the model we grew up with, and why it's SO HARD to be even a little bit mad at anyone?

but I have a picture in my mind of your session tomorrow like two ladies at tea, and you telling T about the military weekend, and then saying, "So you see, my dear T, I was NOT miscalculating or misunderstanding (or whatever she said) my dear boy's behavior; I was being entirely appropriate to the situation. Do you see that now? And I must thank you for your help in my being able to calmly tell you this." Then T falls off her chair and SHE can't talk!

I guess i'm saying, you can be mad at her and yell at her if you want, because she got it wrong, and that would be fine. Or anywhere in between. But nobody has to WIN OR LOSE? That's been the key phrase with me and my T this week. My mother set everything up as she wins, everybody else loses, or vice versa. No partnership, no buddies. But that's so clearly NOT the case with you and your son - can you extend that same caring to your T?