Hi On2,

I can definitely relate to your proposition of fear of failure vs. fear of success.

Sometimes (and really I'm referring to my younger days when I was susceptible to psychological persuasions), fear of failure propelled me on to success. I was afraid in high school that I would fail and end up living at home the rest of my life. I feared that so much I even made an effort to secure my waitress job in the event that I did fail. I did the same thing with band. I was afraid I'd fail so when I got accepted into the honor band and the two American bands that traveled overseas I studied my butt off so I wouldn't fail.

*********TRIGGER***********TRIGGER*************TRIGGER************

That all stopped the night I was raped. All of a sudden I realized my success had led to tragedy. I was raped (in part) because I was a manager and had the duty to make sure each employee made it safely home. Somebody took advantage of that and I have never been the same since. Truth is, if I wasn't a manager and did not have that responsibility I would not have been raped...at least at that time.

********TRIGGER OVER********TRIGGER OVER************TRIGGER OVER******

Sometimes now, when I start to succeed I get afraid that it will lead to something negative, or that I will not be able to cope. Really, what it boils down to, is that I am afraid to be uncomfortable. Success makes me feel uncomfortable. Growth makes me feel uncomfortable. When I was in my eating disorder state of mind, fullness made me feel uncomfortable. I had to learn in recovery that when I said "I am feeling fat" it really meant that I was feeling uncomfortable. I've had to learn that it is okay to feel uncomfortable.

I believe a great book for you to read would be "Constructive Living" by David K Reynolds. If you can't find it I can mail you my copy to read. The book talks about how you have to do what needs to be done despite how you feel. So even though I feel too depressed to do the dishes and want to wait until I feel motivated to do them, I need to do them anyway, and the positive feelings I am seeking will follow.

I hope that babble makes sense. Hopefully, I'll see you in chat tonight.

Q