I saw T today.

I don't know. T and I just didn't seem to connect. I anticipated seeing her all week and thought of many things I want to address, but the session was such a big let-down. I didn't feel cared for or like T was happy to see me. I just feel awful. Like I am a waste of space and a waste of everyone's time.

We chit-chatted about stupid things. My kids, the weather, homeschooling. Dang it, if I wanted idle chatter I could have called any number of people. I get lots of stupid chat from everyone. That is NOT what I need! I need to talk about the deep stuff because it's all up here in my head and it hurts and where else am I going to talk about this stuff?

I tried. I told her I was shaking but she just dismissed it. I wanted to tell her... tell her my ex used sex as a weapon to control me. I wax ra* in college, but I don't remember much. Images, sensations, his name. (Shudder) But whatever, it was my fault. So much more I want to tell her.

So now I have to wait more than a week...a week from Thurs and this just hurts so much. I hate her and desperately need her at the same time. I am so messed up.

I want to call her tomorrow. And I don't know. Cry? Yell? Just ask her if she's there and if it's okay because right now it's not okay.