Why do you mess around with your meds and then tell your pdoc instead of discussing with your pdoc what you want to do and getting her on board? If you piss her off, she can decide you are not a team player and kick you off the team?

I'm glad you are finding ways to journal that help you. Maybe for the parts you don't remember you can do like with dreams where you write an alternate ending you like? Imagine what happened, what you think happened, what you would have liked to have happened?