Dear T

I can see myself breaking down a 1000 different ways tomorrow. The first group in the program tomorrow is REVIEW REALITY. I am more and more scared of how i am right now...how would talking about this aloud or going to the hospital help? Why is this pain and fear too much now? Why does the shame and guilt hurt so much now? I can't breathe/my chest hurts/my sister's giggling on the phone with her friend next door sounds like more cackling condemnation slapping me in the face/i want to cry but am scared...i am so scared.

We should not go any deeper. I am a bad girl. Its all too sick and screwed up...i hate that i dont even have the courage to just die completely and be gone so i can stop all of the waste and mess by existing still. It is really too late. I am a bad girl.