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I am going through a very difficult time right now. Totally lost it several times yesterday, descending into hysteria. So much pain. Today is another day and thought the circumstances are the same, the pain is not so present to day, not so demanding of my attention. I have been able to think some today, now that the emotions are no screaming in my head. In reflecting, I may have discovered at least part of the problem of how I got to the place of desperation yesterday. I am constantly trying to succeed and I overvalue others opinion of what success means. For example, I have a family member who thinks it is a sign of laziness to have more than one roll of toilet paper out in the bathroom The other rolls shoulsbe put away, out of sight. So, when I have naked TP in my bathroom, that relative thinks I am too lazy to put it away.
I simply accept the family members assessment and work on finding the TP another home, in a drawer or somewhere. Instead, I should reject that family members assessment of my reason for leaving my TP out. I should not value her opinion more than my own. My TP is out where I can see it, because it is easier for me to know how much I have left that way. It is also easier to get to if a roll runs out. Instead of agreeing with her invalidating judgmental opinion, I should just know that I do it my way for my reasons and they work for me.
If course, this is a rather trivial example. The things I am dealing with are much more serious, but this simple example of the TP totally fits the overall pattern of what I do. I will just disregard my own preferences or wisdom or whatever, in favor of someone else's. It is as if I think anyone but me knows how to live better. They know how to run a successful home, how to have a good family, how to be a successful person.
I am a successful person. Someone with BPD who survives is a successful person. I may live in poverty, I may not have many friends and I may struggle with my illness often, but I am still here. I am still trying. I have demonstrated strength, bravery, stamina and wisdom in my fight against my disease. Who cares if I am not who they think I should be? Well, I do. But I need to learn that it is OK to be who and what I want me to be. I am good enough. I do need to continue improving, but I am good enough. As long as I have breath, I am still trying and there is still hope.
I am so desperately seeking answers, that I accept other people's opinions about things, even when I know they are wrong. I need to stop when someone says something like that to me. Instead of feeling bad because I did not measure up to their standards, I need to remember that I do live up to my standards and that is good enough. It is my life. People can and will share their judgements with me, but I chose to take it in and allow it to hurt me. Right? I think so. Maybe. SIGH. I dunno.
Thanks for listening. Comments welcome.
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