just have been away from the computer a lot, being busy with life and didn't get back to this to update or anything, in case anyone was interested.
anyway, after my 'trial' visit home I just felt like it was 'right' for me to be home, especially because of the strong draw I felt toward my kids. and my H was being as good and thoughtful as he could be and was willing for marriage counseling, so I simply decided to come back to stay and go day by day working on the relationship with him.
of course, that meant that I had to go back to my folks and get my stuff and see my T there one last time. she was surprised that I made the decision so quickly, but was proud of me for coming to the decision and being sure about it.....really, it was always in the back of my mind, like I told her, it was just that it wasn't the right time before. but when I was home, something simply shifted in my mind and I realized, yes, this is what I have to do. even though it was so very hard to leave another T before I felt like the work was done....another interrupted process/attachment.
however, she has been awesome.....she didn't just say, well, it was nice working with you, good luck now, good luck finding another T if you want, etc. she said she would keep in contact with me by phone through the transition period, adjusting to being home, helping me find another T and going through the vetting process if I wanted to do that (I don't.....not now....simply not up to starting the process of getting to know and trust another T for the 3rd time in 1 1/2 years!) so I do call her from time to time and we have a nice long talk about how things are with life, with my H and stuff....she isn't perfect of course but I do have to say I think she is so awesome in how she is allowing me to wean myself away from my attachment to her in my own time and that she does feel a certain responsibility for what she calls 'after-care', making sure the person is remaining stable and so on. because she's handling it so gently really, it's easing and healing the wounds from the way 1st T handled things......she says that in time, as things fill in in my life now, that she will fade away....not be forgotten, but fade away. sort of like a very special old friend I have that helped me so much when I was a teen, 20 years ago...that bond is still there, even though we rarely communicate. I like that it could be this way with 2nd T......she's not a friend of course, but the bond can be remembered and treasured, even when the actual physical communication fades away.....
never did get to have a closure mtg with my 1st exT....it fizzled. she talked to her supervisor, and I guess the supervisor must have told her it would be inappropriate to meet with me. so she wanted to have a brief talk on the phone with me and my other T together, but things had moved so slow up to that point with that process that I was already home and that idea wouldn't work. so, instead she called my 2nd T and asked her to call me and tell me a few things.....grrrr.....and those weren't the things that answered the questions I had for her either! So I'll never have the answers I wanted from her - the deeper 'why' of why she did some things the way she did with me. I was furious at the way she handled it.....and it has been difficult dealing with some of those things on my own, though I could of course talk to 2nd T about it some......So, I wrote 1st T a long letter for closure since I wasn't going to get it any other way......it helped. It's been a couple weeks now and I feel much better, although occasionally some memory gets triggered and I feel furious at her. But mostly, I'm trying to remember the good she did for me, because there was lots of good before the hurtful end.....and it probably was best to not see her again. I loved her too much......and she had counter-transference issues with me that she didn't see/handle as well as she could have (so says 2nd T). So that's that....some relationships do just end badly....I just never had one be so intense, where I actually trusted so much, and end so badly.....it's a growing experience though.
our marriage counseling T is great and she is helping a lot. she has really laid things out clearly, helping both H and I see how some of our cognitive distortions/core beliefs etc have created conflicts and hindered effective communication. I am so impressed that H has sat there and taken some of the stuff she's told him.....and I am so happy to feel validated about some of the things I have felt/thought/even told him over the years about how I felt he regarded me and treated me.....things are getting so much better between us.
so, at the end of this book , I just want to say that I am content with life - it's not perfect, but after going through hell the last year, it's so much better, and it is a miracle to me to just be alive, feeling able to live and handle life, and to actually be stronger and more 'real', more truly myself than I was before. there was suffering, now there is blessing......there is hope. so if anyone read to the end of this, I want to say to you, NEVER give up and you WILL make it through!! I did and it's worth it.