... because its just whiny, its nothing compared to what other people have been through. Admitting it hurts as much as it does makes me feel weak and spineless.

I let myself be bullied because...

* I was not a strong child and was afraid to stand up for myself.
* I know full well I am capable of descending to their level, but I don't want to and was taught not to. I tried to laugh it off and ended up feeling like I was the joke.
* At the time my social awkwardness made me fling myself at people, so I was being a clingy annoyance. Also, I was compensating by being too full of myself. I didn't respect myself and thought others didn't either, so I pushed away people who genuinely cared. Maybe the bullying was karmic payback, maybe in a way I deserved it.

I experienced emotional invalidation because...

* I have always been an idealist, a romantic, a dreamer; the kind of cynical pessimism that masquerades as "rationality" (from my perspective) disgusts me and I'm not afraid to say so, loudly. Apparently this is all just silly. It's not like I'm any good at living by those ideals and dreams anyway.
* I have always been a sympathetic softie who's the first person in the room to tear up at a sad story. I respect that side of myself. Others seem to find it comical or overly emotional.
* I value strength but reject the arrogant, unsympathetic pseudo-strength that gets confused with the real thing - and then I see myself making the same mistake as I stuff my own emotions down and engage in bluster. Hypocrisy.
* Once I grasped the concepts of empathy, fairness and thinking before you speak or act, I went overboard and started to run my life by the kind of political correctness that the earnest and intense child can apply - a long list of shoulds that I had to live by while others didn't. I did this to myself, and now I am jealous of everyone else because they usually aren't so inhibited.

To this day I look in the mirror and shake my head because I see an insecure coward and can't deny the label fits. This kills me because I can't seem to assert myself properly and then I get all sulky and offended, and I can't approach people I care about without eventually feeling they deserve so much better than me.



Why do people even like me? I don't get it. Me me me me I I I I, I'm stuck inside my own head and should probably just stay there.