I do deny that there is anything wrong with me, but I also know in my rational mind that maybe what I am doing isn't healthy. But currently the benefits are motivational and I do feel a sense of achievement. Behind this I know there is a very dark place and it is terrifying - terrifying to think of it and terrifying to know that the way to get rid of the terror is to work with T - so having to face the fear to get rid of it and that is really hard to contemplate.

I tell myself that I don't need to share it, I will just get down to the weight I want to be and eat normally again and it will all be fine. So why do I feel ashamed, worried that T may notice the weight loss - I know those are the things to be interested in, yet denial is so much easier.