So at my appt today I asked T right away if he felt that I should even be in therapy period. He responded right away with a big a fat 'YES'. :/. In a way it felt good that he believed I need to be there (cuz I feel I do) but also it was like damn...I do.

Anyways I touched on the subject minimizing. I didn't use that exact word but he got it. I asked why am I even here if my issues are 'trivial' (which thy are not) and he brought up the list I emailed him. The biggie list of issues from the past. He told me there's no need to dwell on past hurts if it's not affecting you tday. I went over mentally off the list what still bothers me to this day and what doesn't and he pretty much agreed. He just reiterated that you can't change some things so leave them be. So we agree on a couple issues. That's good I think right.

I was just so frustrated today. Tired, depressed, this on my mind and knowing my usual pattern of feeling like crap all day after session was not making me happy.

He said I need to learn to love myself first. I have no idea how to do that. He agreed it would be difficult since I have no 'blueprint' from growing up...as you learn to love yourself from your parents loving you-which I did not have. I asked him what I'm supposed to do then? How do I stRt to love myself? He said begin by doing things you enjoy... I agreed but it's pretty damn near impossible when I barely can get out of bed...

We talked out the frequency of my visits. He said it seemed like I was doing ok for a min but now he agrees to 2x week visits. He said he believes I'm using him as a lifeline and that's ok for now since I have NO consistent support in my life and at least it's giving me a reason to get outta bed for now.

He suggested maybe an all women's support group and I said F no!! Haha. I can't work w/ women I see them as cold, non-empathetic and if even that seemed warm I believe that would be fake. He seemed very interested that I said that almost as a breakthrough? And by then there was 5 min left. I see him on Friday (which is my bday) but I think it's better this way since I usually get depressed on my bday ....

He also told me he would like to see some emotions instead of just 'reporting' incidents. I guess between now & Friday I'll research coping skills between sessions and working on emotions :/. Yikes.