I apologize in advance if this is long. Just helps me process to get it out.

So T started the session bringing up my emails. He said that it was too much. He still wants me to email but he wants me to go back to my one daily email. Okay, within two minutes I was in total shutdown. He was like NO way, you just got here! He wanted to know why I was upset and shutdown, because I obviously was having the wrong thoughts and he wanted to change them. He pushed me through it, as much as I did NOT want to talk about it. I said I thought he was mad at me. He made me replay what happened totally over again. Like what I heard him say vs what he actually said. Which was awesome, because I hear things wrong. Then he yelled at me for not listening, because I was figitedty and playing with my phone, and hiding in my coat. I yelled back that I was and I always think he's mad, todays not special. So we talked about how he has to work on making sure I realize that he is never angry or upset. He said he came at me hard today to control impulses and work at it cognitively.

Next he was like " so how did you get the picture" I was like omg can we not do this right now? BUT oh yes we definitly went there... Right away I felt sick to my stomach, and shaky, and anxious. He asked why it upset me. Why I was mad? And I retreated to the safety of my hoodie and coat. I told him I wasn't mad I was upset. He asked if it was because it was bad when I was a little little kid? And I nodded yes. He asked if it was why I only reacted that way to his kids picture and I couldn't say. He asked if I wished I had a better upbringing? And I said yes. He said I HAD to answer why I was triggered to his kid in particular. I asked him to help me get it out, and he did. HE asked if it was something he represented, and then he said yes it is, then just wanted me to answer what he represents to me. Then I went into super major shutdown. I felt like I was going to pass out right there. I said "you represent....(and then I cried my eyes out). He reassured me at that point, not to be afraid. He told me I had to get it out, he had to know what I was thinking to help me. Then I said it. "You represet the safe caring parent I didn't have." oh my goodness it was so hard. He said he wants me to use that, that it was a good thing, and it can help me develop all my future healthy relationships.

He said we worked on my true real feelings. He said that we had a good session, that pushing me helped get them out, and he liked seeing them. At the end he moved me back into talking about school, and easier stuff like ways to cope with self harm feelings, and goals for the week. I joked that he was to positive, and he came back that I was too negative. He was like there we will put you in the middle. Then at the end he was like oh yeah I can't see next week. as he smiled and said jk'ing. Silly T. I feel so drained. It was so intense. He was so caring and helpful and present and THERE for me.