Carrie,

If there is a clue for you on how to handle your chaos monger in that dream, then you will have another chance to retrieve that meaning. Maybe you weren't ready yet, and maybe it will be a different dream next time, but you will get it. You are so good at figuring things out! Thanks again for inviting us along on your journey.

It sounds like Cathy is able to give you something that you need that you do not get from Dan. Maybe Dan does know you better and still has more to help you with, but that doesn't mean that getting additional guidance and affection from Cathy is unhealthy, or even that she is easier to manipulate. There's nothing wrong with warmth.

I have a professor who I would kind-of like to be able to go to for therapy (which she does too). But she is too far away (the class is by satellite) and I'd also like to be able to have her as an academic reference, and I'm not sure that it would be possible to have it both ways. But I keep wanting to tell her more about me than I probably ought to. Some self-disclosure happens through the assignments for this class, so she knows about my depression, using SJW, bad eating habits, ... pretty much everything except about the SI, and I have a feeling that even that would not surprise her. Her responses to these things have been good (although brief), and she has already picked up the slack on a couple of things where my T missed his cue. And she is so much better at answering e-mail! So, I'm relating to your dilemma with the second therapist.

When you get to it, I'm very much interested in the chaos theory too. I'm wondering lately (well, this has been at least at the edge of my consciousness and I've even told people as long ago as 3 or 4 years ago, but I'm back to it again) why I can't give up being self-destructive in some way. Maybe I need chaos too. I don't think I have cut since January (although I claw at the back of my neck still when mad or frustrated - did that yesterday), but there is always something. I can trade in one method of self-destruction for another one. Bad eating habits is my usual alternate - mostly binging on chocolate and then not eating for a couple of days afterwards, or just perpetually keeping my caloric intake as low as I can. It's really a good thing that I don't consider alcohol or other substances an acceptable one for me, or I'd be lost in that instantly. Lately I'm exercising 3-5 times per day, and pushing myself beyond my limits. How long before I start to find that too healthy and move on to something else? Maybe chaos is addictive.
Wendy

<font color=orange>"They accused us of suppressing freedom of expression. This was a lie and we could not let them publish it." ... from the Director of Censorship...

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