Thank you all.

It feels like another failure. Or perhaps something that I have made into a mountain from a meager molehill start. To admit one's shortcomings is not easy. To admit once and for all some things that have happened in my life is not easy, but then, its not going to be easy for anyone.

Now I'm scared there is more than what I do know from when young, but what I do know isn't well remembered either. When you are asked memories from age x to age x and you have none - that might be okay - right? I mean, we don't all possess fabulous memory skills. What makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up are two other instances. Those make me feel sick.

And then, there are the things that I consensually took part in. How to get to those? And is it really worth it to go through this torment rather than let sleeping dogs lie?

Next, disturbing dreams have started again. About someone else finding me. You would think, logically, that after x number of years this is a preposterous thought. And it is. But why the thoughts now? And the time with this person seems to flash into my mind out of nowhere. Particular thoughts/memories/visions of occurrences.

Again - can't I just let it go? I'm tired, so tired of these things.

On top of all else currently, it feels like the oxygen levels around me are depleted. They are these things that sit on my shoulders and consistently barrage me with this and this and this and this, and and and and and....

And, I suppose, like the events themselves - I let it happen. THAT'S the most self-depleting part of this.