Dear T,

I'm writing here instead of emailing you again about this transference stuff. I'm thinking ahead, though. If you say we can do EMDR about it, I will be angry! I need to talk to you! I don't want my feelings to be lobotomized. I don't want them to disappear; I need to discuss them! I hope you realize that! I need your response.

You will probably say it's just a part of me, not all of me, who has these erotic transference feelings. I think I want to do IFS with that part again. But me, the adult, wants to understand. I want to talk about "hoarding" the feelings. I do feel SO good with you because you listen to me, accept me, and everything that a good T does. That doesn't bother me. I don't know what's wrong, actually. I'm confused!!!!

I keep repeating that I don't want to like you/love you, just because of transference. That bothers me very, very much!!!!! If it's true, it bothers me. I don't know what the truth is. Am I seeing this in black or white? Is that my problem? I feel like I DO know you well enough to like you, PLUS the transference going on, of course. I know it's unrealistic and it's because it's your job that I feel so good when I'm with you.

PLEASE help me sort this out because I can't deal with it!!!!

The worst thing is knowing that I felt this way about my former T and I didn't even like her so much. I criticized her. I never criticize you! You're like my first T except that I was too embarrassed to talk to her about my feelings for her. Is this all because of those unmet needs? If it is, I can't tolerate that. Maybe I just have to tell you again and again how the parts feel. Is it the baby/child part again? I think it's the older child/teenager who still wants you to hold her. Or maybe the adult me?????? The article said I'm not in love with you, but obsessed with the idea of getting what I didn't get. Is that REALLY true in my case???????

rainbow