also you could phone a crisis hotline number and tell them how you are feeling. often that helped me.
1-800-784-2433 or 1-800-273-8255
i hope you will get help.  and we're here for you 2.
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Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle.
The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours..~Ayn Rand
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