Quote:
Originally Posted by learning1
I guess I don't exactly get it because both you and I were considering walking out the door (if I understood your post right where you wondered if you could do it better on your own). But maybe you weren't considering it too seriously? I wound up trusting my therapist, or the process of therapy, too, for now at least, because i didn't walk out the door, but I seriously considered it.
I guess the reason I felt I hated him was because I felt he couldn't accept me for who I am after I told him some pretty personal stuff (and I have high standards for "acceptance" from a t). And that's the same reason I would have trouble trusting him. I guess I'm thinking of trusting him to care and accept me.
It feels yucky saying I hated him now. But I'm pretty afraid it'll happen again and maybe trying to understand it will make it not as bad.
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I'm sorry you're not feeling accepted by your t. That's difficult. After I had the really deep session, t actually asked me if I felt she was judging me differently now that she knew that stuff. I said no and that was honest. Can you talk to your t about not feeling accepted? It might help him understand what you feel you need for acceptance?
I really was ready to walk out the door and not return. But in hindsight i realize a lot of that was resistance to what she was telling me. I am not sure I completely understand it myself. I was so upset with the process, yet at the same time I trusted my T. It was that trust in T that somehow kept me in that room. I am really beginning to learn the importance of having a strong connection to T that can withstand all my hatred of the process. (That probably doesn't make sense to anyone but me.) Just this thread has really helped me process that session and made me think about the relationship I have with T.
Some of my trust may come dealing with this for 20 years on my own. This is the first time someone (my pastor) actually recognized my condition for what it was and that I desperately needed help. He personally referred me to her and I trust his judgment. I am not sure I would feel the same way if I'd found her on my own.
If I have another hard session, I bet those feelings of wanting to flee will come back...but somehow I think that it also part of the healing process for me: learning to confront those emotions, name them, and process them.
Sorry...that got a little long, didn't it?