Anyone else constantly slapped in the face by the fact that everything you do, everything you dream, everything you are.. has all been done and thought before and is utterly pointless?

That the human race as a whole is disturbed, perturbed, devious, deceptive, and destructive?
That absolutely nothing matters in the end, no matter what importance you assign it now?
That everything you see as beautiful is fleeting and will die?
That everyone you know will forever consider their own interests first, because to do so is human nature?
Subsequently,
That you should just kill yourself because there's no true point to living.
Then,
That despite that, and everything you know... that you know you won't do it.
Because you aren't even that motivated.
You don't have the energy to plan or carry out such actions.
And after a moment,
You get to thinking of friends and family alike.
And for a moment.. they seem to hold a significance because you know you would hurt them
And you further dissuade yourself from the idea.

only to have it spring back to life within you some small days or weeks later.

...

My emotions are abnormal; Very little phases me.
But what does touch my emotional core touches deeply.

I'm nearly constantly in a fully blank and apathetic state. I have gone years like this, interspersed with days or individual weeks of fleeting, exuberant joy, and consecutive weeks if not months or more of a crushing demotivation and depression. All the while I am quiet. All the while I observe and I learn and it is from this observation that I draw my semblance.

Few people have the power to honestly penetrate the ice'd exterior to my flaming core.
I don't believe those few people who get through to the flames of my deepest emotions honestly even realize I have given a part of myself to them I don't often see myself.

...

To say I hate my mind would be the gravest of understatements.
I would rather be idiotic, immoral, a complete *****, and happy (or at least on the emotional norm) than intelligent, inhibited, overly forgiving, and blank or sad almost all the time.