I've been thinking about my last session and she started talking about something that happened a year ago that I've yet to tell her anything more than essentially standing in a foray and saying "this is a house". She knows it happened but not what it was.

So she started talking about trust and security in an abstract way, not pressuring me to talk about anything (there's enough current stuff to keep us busy but the current stuff is also related to the other stuff, she just doesn't know how much) or saying that I need to trust anyone or anything just talking about them. But I completely froze and shut down. She noticed to and I know she's noticed I've done it before when the topic comes up. She asks "where I've gone" and I'm still there just not. I don't know where I've gone, I've just put up bigger walls and gates and I don't think I'm even allowed behind those walls. She made this the focus but I can't explain it. I can't just lock myself out on command and I don't know how/where I learned how to do it so I couldn't answer her questions when she asked.

I think that's (among the other current stuff) what has me feeling down, lost and lonely these days.

Thanks for letting me talk, for hugs and listening and letting me I'm not alone