...I didn't go to AA this weekend. I don't feel too worried about it either. I was not looking forward to it and therefore failed to remember that my meeting was on until two hours before. I decided immediately I didn't want to go....so I didn't go!

...then this briefly entered my mind and then exited the same mind pretty fast..."oh no! does this mean I'm gonna drink?"

going back a few years when I was doing 4 sometimes 5 meetings a week religiously....if and when I missed one, I would panic and feel like I was doomed to end up drinking because of it, like some sinister force beyond my control would punish me because of my absence, making alcohol pour down my throat!....using my hand of course.
That happened quite a bit.

I suspect thats' obsessive umbilical attachment which backfired yep.

I'm older and soooo much wiser now..hahaha...no thanks.

I find myself paralysed by social anxiety....and this would have been my fourth meeting....with the same people....and by the third meeting, they (the others!....omg) already began to say hi and nod and crap like that.

I am not interested in getting all friendly with a bunch of alcoholics...they are crazy dudes man!.....oh...oops!....yeah thats right I'm one too

If anything I should be more comfortable there than anywhere else on the planet....but as mentioned before...elsewhere, I am not comfortable anywhere.

....and because I relate so damn much to what everyone says at these 'meetings'...I feel so damn compelled to get up and tell everybody my stuff....and I know I hate being in that position...and I hate even more the macho image I put on, just overcompensating and someone like me looks like such a fool!

besides...there are plenty of people there who just love to 'rock it' for the crowd....Australian sober pissheads are a special breed.

...and then there's the mentally ill Australian sober pisshead....such as myself, who really just wants to be left alone to quietly fulfill his little AA contract with himself...which is just to appear at the event and that is my personal admission of surrendering to the truth...."got alcoholism"

...so what am I on about here?...some kind of whinge...makin' a big deal outa' somethin'?

I will try and make it there this coming week. I really want to overcome my anxiety but it's enormous and I'm banned from all the benzo's....I mean seriously, I have not been around people for a bloody long time....so I should go easy on myself....typical alcoholic expecting so much from self!

still sober anyway