I am a 22 years old, but I feel like I'm over 50 years old inside.
I met my boyfriend at college. He is just the sweetest, nicest and most patient person I have ever met! And he fell for me. A heartbroken girl, who just wanted to be happy and loved. I was in therapy when we met, a year and a half ago. Surely he never had been in a relationship but he was sure that I was to be his first girlfriend. He didn't mind that I was insecure, he told me I was beautiful inside and out and I believed it. I still do. I'm actually attractive and people get shocked when they find out that I have no self-esteem, but when he tells me, I believe it. I don't know where I would've been today if he hadn't picked me up while getting to know my dark past that I was trying to move on from. He still loves me so dearly and picks me up when I fall, but I can feel that I'm tearing him apart with my problems; I get depressed around my PMS'es and he goes through them every month. Every month I feel I deserve him less. Every month I hate myself for not being able to control my fears. Every month I hate my guts for scratching his angel wings. But still he tells me he loves me and I love him so dearly I am afraid of loosing him SO much! I fear that every time I love him more, I give him more power to how much he can destroy me, even though I know with a 1000% that he would not. I fear that every time I collapse I destroy him a little. I don't want to destroy him. I want him to be happy. I think he deserves someone who knows how to be happy. Someone who doesn't get depressed every month. But of course I tell him how much he means to me, how grateful I am to have met him, and he still tells me I'm beautiful and that he's proud of me. I am in my PMS now and he is in Sweden to ski and watch his friends snowboard in Denmark's championship. But I think about this every time, even in my non-period times.. that maybe I should leave him alone before I use him up?