Yeah I have been on mood stabilizers, antipsychotics, ADs, all of that stuff. Lots of combinations! Some of the antipsychotics are good for my anger but nothing seems to touch the depression.

The reason I'm depressed is (according to the Ts) that I was emotionally abused as a child. I don't know that i agree with that, maybe, not sure. But it is the only explanation that comes close. I never suffered any traumas or huge disappointments in my life - I was depressed from the word go really. My family was a bit bizarre but I dunno about emotionally abusive. I went with that for a while but then I noticed that all the therapists that have given up on me ended up saying the same things as my family did. So if the Ts are saying it too - then it can't be emotional abuse! If it isn't, then I would say it's probably just some sort of biological thing. I have no idea really. I never really had any dreams or hopes or aspirations so it definitely wasnt the loss of those.

I am very limited as to what I can do outside of therapy. I cannot shower or wash my clothes or any of that stuff, and i can only manage to leave the house once a week (to go to therapy). I have been trying to think of stuff i could do here at home but I have no idea really. I tried doing meditation, arty kinda stuff and mindfulness with no luck (I did them over a long period of time).

The depression I feel is not due to a particular reason (eg if someone said something bad about me behind my back or something like that). It is an all-encompassing depression that its like a dark cloud over every single aspect of my life. It has been there for 20 years this year. It started off mild when I was about 10-11ish but over the years progressively became worse, and that's how I got to be in this predicament today. Its been a steady systematic decline over the years.