I have to first admit to being nervous about putting myself out here like this, but I realize I have to take the risk of doing so if I'm going to help myself...

And I also know (to borrow Dr. Phils words...) I can't change what I don't acknowledge - and I'm acknowledging that by putting myself out here...

Enough said...

I've known for years I suffer from mild-moderate bipolar disorder, mixed with depression. I've had that diagnosed, but I've not been in treatment for about 8 years at least...

Luckily I've managed to stay glued together, and have enough control of my mental state that I've been able to keep my sanity intact...

I've been in a very long distance relationship with a woman in the Philippines. We've been a couple for 10 years, and for me it's been a totally monogamous, and I would like to think the same for her...

But the panic/anxiety attacks I've been having about the relationship have been increasing in frequency, duration and intensity. In the past they've come and gone reasonably easily and not lasted very long - but that's changed as described here...

My days are pure emotional hell, from the time I get up in the morning, until I go to bed at night...

And frankly I'm tired of the pain, and upset this is causing me - it's having an effect on my relationship, and has me poised to go confrontational with her based on some rather upsetting things a relative of hers has told me...

And none of it has been substantiated as being fact - but it's enough to have me poised right on the edge of going confrontational...

I'm afraid I've jumped to conclusions that might very likely have no basis in fact, and I want to stop myself before I make the mistake of doing what may very well end up with me making a fool of myself...

I'm tired of the pain of this, and I want to fix it because I know it's within my power to fix it...

And I know I'm likely not the only one out there with this problem...

I want to get it fixed, get it right, and rid myself of the panic/anxiety attacks that are taking over my life...

I hope this all makes sense to those who read it...

I'm not currently on any meds, and not in any kind of treatment. I have no insurance, and the local mental health people here - well what I'd like to say about them isn't fit to print,and I'll leave it at that...