I have a pounding headache and all sorts of self-defeated feelings after my session. Let me start of by saying my Dr. is psychodynamically based...we do not talk "coping skills" nor self-help type things. My therapy is very hands-off (literally and figuratively). I set the pace and the topics. I have tried and failed and tried and failed those other types of therapy and generally, prefer this.

Overall, I like my dr. and when we click and can go deep, well, it gives me a glimpse of connection and hope that there is , in fact, a chance for a broken soul such as me.

I was hostile with him tonight because I felt I couldn't get past my walls and needed his help to break them down. He said he couldn't get me to talk about anything because it would be manipulative, it would have to come from me. What he could provide was a safe space to share my thoughts He keeps telling me that this is a process, and that by coming in and sharing my thoughts, my anxiety and myriad of problems will get better- but it isn;t a quick fix.

I got angry and started asking him to name one area of my life that has marginally improved and that this theraputic relationship isn't real, and it doesnt translate to any other of my real realtionships in life.

I know the ball is totally in my court but I just don't know what to say. Or if it even really matters what I say because the same problems that were there 20 years ago are still going to be there when I leave the office.

I don't know what it is I am holding back and I am getting really tired of staring at the artwork in the office and saying, "this isn't helping".

I don't know what I want in posting this, maybe just trying to figure out how to make the most of going there. Pardon my language, but I have pissed away so many years in a T office that I really want this to be the one that "helps" . I just feel so broken, like everyone is able to take away this mystical help from therapy and I am just failing at it again.