I recognise what you're doing as something I do myself. I worry about all the negative things that could go wrong. At the times I've worried about them they've been so consuming and exhausting, but they've always seemed like such realistic concerns, things that could so easily happen. I have to say that most of the things I've worried myself sick over have almost always panned out fairly smoothly!

I think my biggest underlying worry was that if something did go wrong I wouldn't be able to handle it. It sounds like that's something you're concerned about too. Leaving without the help you need or crying in the pdocs office. It's completely understandable to be so concerned, after the last bad experience and particularly when you feel like so much rides on a positive outcome. I don't have any spectacularly good advice except that I think you can do this and that it will be okay.

My T works so hard to get me to see both sides of things. This is something difficult you're facing but it might also work out well. You might see a good pdoc who really helps you. You know the reasons why you called so often. It's because you know you needed the help and you were standing up for yourself. You had every right to do that.

The part of this that you have control over is you. You can show up and explain what's been going on with you and ask for help. That's what the pdoc is there for.

I'm not going through the public health system. It can been particularly slow where I am, I believe it's over 6 months at the moment for issues like depression and anxiety. It is a frustrating process but you've taken big steps already. You know you need help and you've asked for it. You will get there!

I really do hope the appointment goes well for you too.