Have you considered being diagnosed?

I know that is easy said than done, but having support from from someone who understands mental illness does give you relief.

Trying to tell "friends" won't happen and you will try to convince them of the severity... and if you feel they don't understand on come the afterthoughts.

A pysch deals with different issues including personality disorders- sure they might not be AvPD, But he/she does understands the torment.
You do need someone to understand and support and you will be lifted enough to try and have a fall back.

Adrift is hard to make a start when you you walk in your own mind- Having someone who is trained will coach you and having that person will make you want to try for them.

I couldn't make a start own my own, all I did was talk about the unknown.
Diagnoses gave me a start pointing plus life support.

Wish you well
Snap