(May trigger)

I have this thing where I have parts who think of completely eccentric ways to repeat my abuse. I found one introject who always felt he had to physically harm me in order to control the emotional pain I felt. So if someone told me "You're ugly". That person hurt me emotionally, so this part would turn around and hurt me physically in order to control the pain.

So now I'm not sure if it's the same part, but people are like striking it up with guys and inviting them over to my place and I think it's because they want to repeat the sexual abuse. When I would have no control, just sitting by as a spectator. Just like I had no control in the past. It would be like being raped all over again. I don't want to start down this path. It doesn't seem healthy at all. Has this ever happened to anyone?

I don't know what to do... I start with my new T on thursday, but it's not exactly the first thing I'm going to bring up.