I'm really, extremely, panicked, and confused.
I've dealt with depression for years now, on and off. But lately it's getting worse and worse.
And stemming out from just depression to other things.
My chest hurts all the time, but my mother says it's just anxiety. If it really is then...
I've never wanted help. Ever. It's a;ways scared me. And last time they couldn't figure out what to do with me. To me, therapists are no help AT ALL.
Nothing ever really caught my attention until I sat down and wrote this.
(WARNING: Excessive foul language )
Quote:
Who... or more correctly being said... What am I? Am I some kind of monster, created on whim by some bored scientist, in their basement. Or am I a deranged psychopath. Because that's what everyone else treats me as. Every single word I speak, is taken as a threat. And the looks I make, drive them away. I know I'm not human. I'm not normal. Nor will I ever be. I'm not like them. And to be honest, I don't really want to be. I don't want to be myself very much, either. They already know I'm different. Why make it so obvious? They hate me because, like I said, I'm not like them. I don't think like them. I don't talk like them. I most certainly don't act like them.
...I don't have the same emotions...
With me, it's never a matter of being happy or sad or anything else in between. I'm not sad, because by then I don't feel a thing. I'm not happy, I'm delusional. I'm not smug, I'm a narcissist. I'm not angry, I am the personification of rath. And it's not even just that. Try feeling so much at one time, that you simply don't want to feel a thing anymore. Try being completely suffocated in them. They drapes over you like an endless overcast, nighttime sky. So much that it nearly cuts off your entire lung supply. So much that, instead dealing with them, you'd rather die.
Try being empty nearly all the time...
I've gone weeks at a time, locked inside my room. Curled in a ball. Food isn't good anymore. A couple small bites of whatever can last me a whole day. Or I can go without it, I don't care. I'm never hungry when I'm like this. Whatever outlet I had before, that kept me from going absolutely beserk doesn't help anymore. If your empty you can't have an outlet. No rage to run off. No Euphoria to draw. Nothing is there. So you sleep. And sleep... and sleep a little more to wait it out. And when that doesn't even work, cause yourself some kind of pain. Pluck a hair. Twist your limbs until they're on the verge of breaking. Draw some blood. If you're empty, cause pain. Because then at least there's something. Still not working?
Then some mystical being flips a switch.... Just when you've gotten used to being the zombie that you are too. Bummer...
Then, you've become Semi-normal. As normal as I can possible get to it, anyways. Which actually isn't very much. Here, I can be joyful. I venture out into the unknown. Everything is entertaining. And the entertaining becomes me. People don't scare me. Maybe if I jumped off a building now, I could survive. I don't doubt it. Not a single bit. Will people ever be able to fly? Hell yeah! As long as that person is me. Come at me with anything. I can do it. I eat this stuff for ****ing breakfast! I'm probably a lot better at you than everything, too. No. I AM. I could become ****ing god if I wanted too. Here, anything and everything is inspiration. And I can get that down on paper. I can play it on a guitar. An entire story can stem from a tiny rock. And sleep, who really needs it. In my opinion, it just gets in the way of all the epic things I could be working on now. As productive I am now, nothing may ever really get done, but it's worth it.
Until the switch is flipped again... but this time it short circuts. And you can't fix it. Just like how you can't control when someone flips the switch.
It's much like being empty. Except, not at all. You're terrified of everything. Terrified of yourself.... The things you say and do and everyone else. So you sit in a corner, shaking violently. It's hard to keep track of anything. You find yourself stuttering in everything you say. You forget the meaning of words. You always want to scream. But you can't because someone put you on mute. So you break something. Just grab the closest thing next to you and launch it. Or cause pain to someone else. Everything makes you jump. Your chest is in pain, constantly. You feel like you need to cry but you don't. You haven't cried since elementary school because that's how you were raised.
Wait a minute.. I hear someone. They're talking about me, aren't they? They absolutely hate me, don't they? Why do they ignore me all the time? You've been busy with school, eh? I know you're ****ing lying to me! You can admit it. You don't want to be around me. Just tell me if you don't want to talk to me. Stop denying it. I know you ****ing do. But that's okay with me. I'd rather be alone than with you anyday.
It's driving you insane. You can't deal with it any longer. So You try to make it go all away. Stop everything for good. The world would be better without you , right?
****... I failed. Let's try again.
It's not working.
SOMEONE PLEASE MAKE THIS ALL GO AWAY!
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Now I'm alarmed at myself. And I decided to come here. I really don't know what to do. And I don't know what's wrong with me. And I'm scared.