(((((billie))))))
Yes, I can see that your trying too. When I met with my therapist this week I talked about how this PTSD that I suffer with is a lot of work. I told him that while I know he has worked with patients and has studied it, I also know he hasn't experienced it for himself. We discussed how some people overcome it quicker than others as well and a lot depends on the environment they are in that may be making it more difficult to address as well. He also talked about how often patients are misdiagnosed and misunderstood and some of the things he has learned to look for when dealing with different patients. He even talked about the unfair stigma that patients have that are diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder face. He told me that when time is given to these patients often they have suffered abuse in childhood and are more like patients with PTSD and they are more treatable then it appears if given the correct therapy. He told me that in MY OWN TIME I "WILL" finally work through my own PTSD and I have been progressing even though I still struggle. He talked about what I have learned in therapy thus far and that I will continue to learn and YES, EVERYONE WORKS THROUGH IT AT THEIR OWN PACE.

When I address others who may be struggling I really try hard to not in anyway belittle them or give any indication that they want to suffer or are somehow giving in or are over dramatizing. My therapist told me that some people who might recover better sometimes think others should be able to do the same and it just is not that way as different patients have to work at their own pace as already mentioned, each person is unique and needs to recover in their own time (something we must all remember).

Billie, Crew or for anyone else who is struggling and trying very hard to heal and recover. It is always a struggle that can present more pain when someone, anyone fails to see how hard this journey is when dealing with any mental illness. The truth is that some people CAN be cruel and it is very common for people to quickly judge others based on their own personal experiences and abilities to overcome. For the person who is truely struggling and it is work, more work for some than others, it is important to realize that this is just ignorance on the part of others.

My own personal journey has made me more aware of how difficult the recovery or the healing process can be. In my own journey with my mental illness I have been misunderstood, put down, discredited, invalidated, hurt more times than I can count, and often left to feel very alone, confused, as if I am a failure, that it is me that doesn't understand, that I fail to "JUST GET IT", I am stupid, did not grow up, and the list can have many more negetives, ALL THAT WAS BECAUSE OF IGNORANCE ABOUT THE STRUGGLE WITH "REAL" MENTAL ILLNESS.

Betrayl? The one thing about this word Betrayl that should be considered is "SHEAR IGNORANCE". As I have struggled to understand my own mental illness the one thing that I have come to recognize is that it really is a personal journey and I have been extremely humbled in gaining "KNOWLEDGE VERSES BEING IGNORANT". When this happens there is an opportunity to rise above the ignorance that is shared by so many to a level where one can offer REAL SUPPORT to others that also struggle.

Crew, Billie and anyone else that is working at understanding your own mental illness, always remember what you DO HAVE that others may not truely see. Each time you reach out to someone else that also struggles YOU DO SO WITH KNOWLEDGE AND COMPASSION BECAUSE YOU "NOW KNOW" THE DIFFICULTIES OF WHAT THE REAL JOURNEY MEANS. When you feel Betrayed or begin to question your self worth, STOP and think about what you have learned thus far on your own journey, because YOU HAVE BEEN LEARNING something that many others ARE STILL IGNORANT ABOUT. And if you are addressed by someone who treats you poorly or somehow talks about some list of the unfair things THEY experienced in their life and how THEY got over it and YOU should do the same, understand what that is really saying about THEM and not YOU. That is a trigger to many that struggle with any kind of MI. Remember, when someone says that to you, IT IS NOT YOU OR YOUR UNWORTHINESS, it is their lack of ability to understand how EACH PERSON struggles along at THEIR OWN PACE. I can't even count the number of people that I have come across that will quickly say, I DEALT WITH THIS AND I DEALT WITH THAT AND I DID THIS OR THAT OR ACCOMPLISHED THIS OR THAT, LIFE IS HARD, GET OVER YOURSELF, YOU COMPLAIN TOO MUCH, YOU TALK TOO MUCH, WHAT DO YOU KNOW ANYWAY, LIFE ISN'T FAIR, and those are only a few that come to mind.
What that person is really saying is "JUST BECAUSE I DEALT WITH SO MUCH CRAP YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO DO THE SAME" and what that means is that other person is BEING IGNORANT and SELFISH.

On Sunday morning I read a thread that asked "What is beautiful about you?". I read the different posts that some people put out there. But I could not write my own. And I have to say that I was disturbed by that. I asked my husband to see if he could answer that question about me. My husband talked about how extremely compassionate and giving and understanding I am and how much others don't seem to understand that about me because they DON'T WANT TO BE THAT WAY, THEY WOULD RATHER CONCENTRATE ON THEMSELVES. He told me that often people want to change me or critisize me because they don't want to face the fact that they don't want to care like I do or even be honest the way I am honest. And he told me that he was one of those people that hurt me because he didn't want to be honest either. He was referring to his alcoholism and cheating and how he abused me and was selfish and unfairly critisized me. He talked about what people begin to know about me and that they know I WILL speak up if I see abuse, or neglect or something wrong. He told me that other people use me by bringing my attention to things they see that bother them but they are too afraid to address it themselves. He told me that I have more patience than others and that had it not been for me being so patient and understanding, he probably would have gone down a very bad path himself. (These are his words not mine)

Well, all I know is that the mental illness I have has proven to be the most difficult thing I have ever addressed in my life thus far, and I have had some very challenging things in my life's path. In facing and addressing my own mental illness I have come to know that there is more ignorance about mental illness and what it means out there in this world then I ever dreamed and for those that suffer with any kind of mental illness, recovering is that much harder because of the stigmatizims and ignorance they face everyday. Yes, BETRAYL IS "IGNORANCE". It is a personal journey for each person and in that journey, and each person does deserve to recieve help and guidance, each person does gain knowledge and a better understanding of what mental illness really means and how to slowly overcome it. No one deserves to have this journey with mental illness be a journey of shame, no, they deserve to have it be a personal journey of enlightenment and it will be at their own individual pace, because we are ALL UNIQUE.

Open Eyes