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Originally Posted by morsecoded
I find that after I've gotten close to someone (romantic relationship) and feel stable and secure, I no longer feel compelled to allow certain types of physical intimacy (things like hugs and cuddling are good, but not much else).
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I assume during this process of getting close to someone that sex is involved during this time. The relationship becomes secure, and then you no longer want sex. Is this correct? The use of the word "compelled" makes me think that during your process that sex is an obligation for you, and then once the relationship takes hold there is no more obligation, on your part for sex. Agree/disagree/thoughts??
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In fact, I outright avoid/refuse it, and threats or pleas from the other person do nothing but alienate me and make me angry. Even to the point of wanting to bail, no matter how much I care. I feel really threatened and cornered in that situation.
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Assuming that I'm on the right path with your situation... Then the question would be why is sex ok before the relationship takes hold, and not afterwards? It's almost as if you're using sex as a tool to lure someone into a relationship, and then once you get to that point, you no longer have to have sex. So.. I can see how this would cause A LOT of relationship issues.
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This pattern of mine (and it is a pattern, because it always works out this way) has caused tons of strife in past relationships, and is even threatening to end the one I have now.
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I think, you should try and analyze where this pattern originated and what's behind it. Because, unless you intend on dating someone who either has an incredibly low sex drive or is asexual you're always going to have this problem.
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I don't know why it always has to come to this, but I find it extremely upsetting and destabilizing.
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You find your pattern upsetting and destabalizing or the fact your partner wants sex upsetting and destabalizing?
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I feel like a piece of meat, and it catapults me back to my horrible teen years.
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Why??? The reason behind your problem probably exists somewhere within the answer to this question.
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No matter how the other person attempts to explain the 'meaning' to me, it doesn't make sense. I feel like if I give in, I'll be completely throwing away the self/identity I've worked so hard to piece together. I can't explain coherently to anyone why I start freaking out when pushed.
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What is your self identity? It also seems like you have control issues. In regards to your partners wanting sex that is completely normal. So the question comes back to why don't you?