It's a big deal to you, isn't it? That matters and is valid, even if other people can't understand your feelings or reactions.

Oh god, I can see why. If you acknowledge a loss like that to yourself, then it has to be real. And if it's real, then you have to accept it and feel it. And if you do that, how do you cope? I don't know about you, but even losing close friends is horrible for me. I can't bear the loss/rejection/dying of that world. I cannot let go when I love people.

I can imagine the amount of weight you must be under, the pressure. Being honest about your feelings, especially with other people, is so hard. (Even with yourself.) I know I'm always trying to 'tailor' what I express to people, even down to how I feel, because I have trouble bearing the possible censure/criticism/disapproval, especially from people I care about. Is that the case with your situation? And also that people just won't understand and you'll feel even more alone? I often end up feeling like a freak when I try to explain my feelings to people.

Oh, my dear. I wish he could accept that for you. People get so upset when their presence and caring can't magically fix you or make you act the way they want. I also wish he could be more consistent and tell you clearly what he thinks, feels, and intends. That has got to be upsetting for you.

It's impossible to be okay with it, but I know just what you mean. But it doesn't work that way for us. The end of any meaningful relationship is a nightmare, and severely destabilizing. (I had a close friend of several years go suddenly silent on me last year. She refuses to answer me. It has now been a year, but I'm still agonizing and crying over it. No happy mediums. :/)

I don't mean to speak for you at any point. I just really relate. So please don't hesitate to correct me!