ive known the girl im with now for years but only now have i gotten intimate with her. i was expecting to come back and have some kind of one night stand situation with her, ive been gone for 2 years. thats how it started, i made out with her and expected to just get what i wanted sexually from her.

the other day she came over basically all day and we ended up in a potential sex situation and i dont know what happened but it felt like my heart was gonna stop cuz i had this like frenzied anxiety all of a sudden. it was performance related, in that i would fail and she would know i was a failure and then i couldnt go to prom and to the beach this weekend.

well last night the anxiety was gone and i realized that i was actually liking being with her and just touching her was very arousing but the point is i liked just being there.

today though is what im concerned with. it was like i woke up depressed and then was happy for a few hours and then got depressed again and now i just feel afraid and fearful but i dont even know of what. i have the feeling that nothing is good enough, ever. this girl is beautiful and she laughs at what i say and i like being close with her but at the same time that all scares the hell out of me. generally, its a feeling of no control and of powerlessness.

maybe i have a depression problem or something?