Sorry for the long post....I'm freaked out and kind of scared actually. I made it through the day at work but honestly don't know what I am going to do tonight. I don't have internet at night so I can't even post here......I have good and supportive friends, one of whom I talked to this morning, but really, my friends don't tend to "get" the whole therapy thing. I'm really shaking and physically not feeling good and honestly worried about self harm. Which has not been my style to date.

I wish I had some tranq to knock myself out. On the other hand, maybe this is a chance to discover that I don't need that anyway and can muddle through. I just cannot get the visual image out of my mind: At one point T was visibly shaken, shakey....really pissed and confrontational. I'm not saying I was rational -- far from it, and I was less than kind. But to see someone who is supposed to, on some level, be a caretaker, so absolutely ENRAGED and INCENSED was pretty damned disturbing.

I really wish I had just shut my mouth and done a slow fade. I have always thought that was irresponsible and I would not want to be treated that way, so I envisiond some kind of "farewell" thingy... but that is cearly not meant to be.

But now, I see no other route than to call and merely leave a voicemail message well after hours saying that I will not be returning (which was, ironically, after all the madness left up in the air as I scrambled to leave).

Has anyone ever done that? I certainly don't want to be charged for some appointment a week from now that T "assumes" is happening despite the extreme ugliness.

Gulp. I am certainly freaked out here. I know clients can have melt-downs and a therapist can "repair the rupture" but what happens when T and client are both melted at once?