Well, none of us here can diagnose you. I am so sorry about your loss of your dad.
Are you seeing a therapist? I think it is important that you find help and get a diagnosis and some therapy to help you work through this. Please get help with this, the fact that you have SI in the past means that you need professional help. Perhaps if your dad had sought treatment he could have dealt better with his illness. And if he had it would have been better for you. Losing a parent that way is very difficult for any person and should be addressed in therapy.

Open Eyes