Christ, I'm gonna have a lot of questions... lol maybe opinions.. maybe both... Let's jump right in, shall we..
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Originally Posted by morsecoded
You're absolutely right on all counts. To me, sex is just a basic tool in securing/bonding with a prospective partner. After I'm sufficiently close to the person, it seems that I start to abandon it in lieu of more sophisticated tools. It has been this way for me since I started having relationships. But I've only just realized in the last year or so that this is how my mind works, and this is part of why I stop wanting to bother with sex.
You're exactly right - sex is just bait/a hook to make someone want to be with me. That's how I learned to use it when I was a teenager. I couldn't get affection from anyone otherwise. I had to trade the sex for the attention and presence of another person.
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If I get threatened, I tend to do the opposite of what the other person wants just to make a point. I try to be strong, independent, and capable. I was helpless when I was younger, and I'm not ever going to let anyone control me or threaten my right to choose again if I can help it.
Yep, I definitely have control issues - namely not allowing anyone else to control me, come hell or high water. I'm willing to relinquish control a bit with people I care about and trust, but not completely. Things always go very badly for me when people have too much power over me. They can't be trusted with it - not even the people I trust the most.
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To me.... this seems to be the underlying problem... You were starved for attention, had sex with people you probably didn't want to in order to just get this attention that you craved. So in essence sex was only a tool to get what you want, and nothing more. There was no emotion involed. So you gave up control (yourself, sex) in order to get what you want.
The last two paragraphs in the quote would kind of back this up. You were helpless when you were younger, and now that you're an adult you're not going to give up that control, which you probably relate as sex, to anyone. My guess is when you were younger.. you gave people sex to people in order to get attention, and I would bet in the end it backfired of you. More than likely people were telling you things that you want to hear, when really they were just using you. Trust issues developed.
So.. It would be reasonable that sex would not sit well with you or maybe you just never liked it to begin with.
I'm kind of guessing on all this.... Possible / not possible???
Regardless of whether the above is accurate or not... What is accurate is this is self defeating behavior. Someone is going to enter into a relationship with you under false pretences. They don't get sex, your control issues kick in and you push them away, they get pissed off, break up, heartache. When sex is used as a tool to get what you want the above cycle will almost always be the case..
The fact that you're recognizing the behavior, and accepting ownership is a great thing on your part... I think without recognizing what the problem is it's hard to make corrections...
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Of course it's only logical that it would cause problems for a majority of people, but I never really realized it or thought about it. Now that I have, it still stumps me that sex is so important to people.
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Again, it's good that you're recognizing your problem and how it would affect others. People like sex because it feels GREAT!!!
You on the other hand have never used sex for intimacy... it's always been used to get what you want and that is attention/affection... or.. you've never liked sex to begin with... or... a combination of both.
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Yes, you're right. I used to think that if I only found "the right person", it would be okay. But it seems that's not the case.  I don't want to lose the relationship I have, but I'm also between a rock and a hard place at this point.
I find the fact that my partner makes an issue over sex upsetting. That it has become this major problem in the relationship, to the point of possibly ending it.
Good question. Because I hate feeling pushed or forced into things. I find sex unimportant and fairly meaningless. Knowing that sex has become an issue just fills me with an ever-present dread, too. Even before it got to this point, it was like an axe hanging over my head. I hate the stress and pressure. There are so many other things that are so much more important.
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Agree, with rock and a hard place... (I think there may be sexual innuendo in there somewhere).
This will always be a problem the majority of the time, because healthy people relate sex to being a normal/healthy significant part of a relationship. You relate sex as a tool to get what you want, and there is nothing to it other than that.
True - there are many things more important than sex, but that is not going to negate the fact that sex is going to be a significant part of relationships in most cases.
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Why don't I want sex? Hmm. Well, I guess I'm rather cerebral - I live in my head, for the most part. I'm a lot more interested in the emotional and psychological planes of existence. I don't pay much attention to the physical world - it's just a bother, a distraction from what I consider most important. Sex bores me, and it's just gross and kind of sickening. Even if I care about people, I'd just rather not. I mean,
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Maybe the reason sex bores you is because it's never been based on love/intimacy.... Have you always found it to be gross?
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you can have sex with anyone, but you can't have a real bond with just anyone. To me, that's the real intimacy, not sex. I feel that sex is just a grotesque parody of intimacy.
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True.... You can have sex with anyone, and you have...That's the problem.. To most.... having sex is a normal part of a healthy intimate relationship.....
So... maybe this is something that you can work on with a therapist that specializes in sexual issues.... That is if you want to..
Otherwise.. your options are going to be to settle on heartache a majority of the time or limit options to people who are either asexual or have similar views where sex just isn't important....
I hope something in all this was relevent or helpful to you...
-cbox