Xambgii, I sounds like your life is in real trouble here. You said you do not think therapist can help. Have you seen a psych Dr. for medication? I really think from your description
here it would bode well for you to be hospitalized so they can get you the medicines you need to get into some calm and soothing place for yourself. I think getting into a safe haven as in a hospital where they can monitor you and get you squared away with medication would be right for you. I can't imagine your not getting help from what you have described here. It sounds like a place of misery and I do hope you will go. When you are more settled with meds and such, a therapist may seem more appealing to you to work out your mental difficulties. Please, please get help for yourself and run, do not walk, to get the help you so desperately need.
Love yourself enough to know you deserve better a life better than what you have at
present. Worthy enough to deserve health and it's okay to ask for support.
Hugs, bj