I really do not even know where to begin. So, I will begin by warning that this post may seem like rambling, or stream of consciousness writing. I hope that it is not too difficult to follow. I have racing thoughts and need to get them out of my head. I am a 31 year old female, and since I was about fifteen I have felt and known that something was not right. I've had an affinity for self-destruction since then. It was, and still is, much worse when alcohol is involved. After destroying yet another relationship and feeling suicidal, I decided to take an online test to "diagnose" myself. BPD is not something that I knew much about, even though one of my jobs involves helping people with various mental illnesses. After spending the past few hours online reading about BPD, I feel like I have it. Unfortunately, I cannot afford therapy. While I work three jobs, all of them are part-time and I do not have insurance. I am college educated, but cannot get a job in the field I am qualified in for another two years due to some summary offenses I have. Those summary offenses were due to my alcohol abuse, impulsive behavior, and compulsion to make bad decisions. I spend so much time dwelling on how miserable I am, but then I will feel better for a little while and decide that I am fine. I'm not fine, and I haven't been for a long time. There is a lot of personal information I would like to share, but I am not ready to do that yet. I will just say that I have had what I consider to be two very serious traumas in my life. When reading the symptoms of BPD, I realized that all of them apply. It scared me, but it also gave me hope. Hope is something that I have been desperate for, for a very long time. I just wanted to introduce myself, and say that I am so grateful that I found this site.