On March 1, almost a week ago (a Thursday,) I did get to a pool, as I had made my goal the day before. It was helpful. People there were very nice. Three days later, I felt uncommonly well.

I have become extremely depressed, again, over the past few days. It so happened I had an appointment with my pdoc this afternoon. I thought it was good that I would be seeing him, since I was feeling such turmoil. It felt like trying to talk to someone who was a million miles away. I left his office very disturbed and upset.

Since coming home, I've just gotten in worse and worse shape. To the bunch of meds I'm already taking, he has added Tegretol. I had some faith in him, but now I feel I have to be careful not to depend on him. I have been having frequent med changes over the past 18 months that I have been going to the facility where I get my care. I am on my 3rd pdoc. I got really sick from two meds that I was put on (lithium and Ritalin.) It was me who figured out that those two meds were making me sick.

Twice I had gone to Psych Emergency complaining about being sick from Lithium (loss of fine motor control, difficulty with balance and walking) and was told that my symptoms had nothing to do with the Lithium and to keep taking it. Then I got really sick with diarrhea and, finally, I was believed that I was becoming sicker and sicker on the Lithium. I am having pretty severe sedation from Seroquel. The pdoc's response, today, was to add Tegretol, rather than increasing the Seroquel even higher.

I don't think these people are even responsible about how they are medicating me. I am on 6 different Psych meds. (Plus, I am on other serious meds for medical issues.) I got kind of scolded for becoming upset about so many meds. The pdoc said I should either "be willing" to keep trying things, or else stop coming there for care. I have been willing to follow every order they have written.

I don't think it is unreasonable for me to be frustrated. Since starting to get treatment there 18 months ago, I have gotten worse. My treatment consists of nothing except medication. I get no therapy. I just go back in 9 weeks to see him again. Since losing another job recently, I've been extremely despondent at times, and in real crisis financially.

My regular MD, my PCP, seems to have more real concern. He has encouraged me to file for SSDI.

I am afraid to go to sleep right now. I am afraid I of how I will wake up. It's a pattern with me to get worse overnight when I have a lot of anxiety. Recently, I woke up with a heart rate of over 120/minute. It seemed to be caused by medication, and improved when I took lower doses of some meds (with the pdoc's agreement.) Now I feel intimidated that this place will not be supportive of me applying for social security. Even with a supportive doctor, it can be very hard to get a claim approved. I feel like he was kind of threatening me by saying I might want to stop coming back there. I will be very careful of what I say when I go there again. Back in 2004, when I was a patient there, a pdoc said to a group I was in that "Rose emits toxicity." I think this place has a culture of patient abuse. That may sound strong, even unbelievable. They know I am alone with no family for thousands of miles. I'm not really prone to paranoia, but I am afraid of them. I would be afraid to ever go there again for inpatient care.