Quote:
Originally Posted by KazzaX
Yeah I have been on mood stabilizers, antipsychotics, ADs, all of that stuff. Lots of combinations! Some of the antipsychotics are good for my anger but nothing seems to touch the depression.
The reason I'm depressed is (according to the Ts) that I was emotionally abused as a child. I don't know that i agree with that, maybe, not sure. But it is the only explanation that comes close. I never suffered any traumas or huge disappointments in my life - I was depressed from the word go really. My family was a bit bizarre but I dunno about emotionally abusive. I went with that for a while but then I noticed that all the therapists that have given up on me ended up saying the same things as my family did. So if the Ts are saying it too - then it can't be emotional abuse! If it isn't, then I would say it's probably just some sort of biological thing. I have no idea really. I never really had any dreams or hopes or aspirations so it definitely wasnt the loss of those.
I am very limited as to what I can do outside of therapy. I cannot shower or wash my clothes or any of that stuff, and i can only manage to leave the house once a week (to go to therapy). I have been trying to think of stuff i could do here at home but I have no idea really. I tried doing meditation, arty kinda stuff and mindfulness with no luck (I did them over a long period of time).
The depression I feel is not due to a particular reason (eg if someone said something bad about me behind my back or something like that). It is an all-encompassing depression that its like a dark cloud over every single aspect of my life. It has been there for 20 years this year. It started off mild when I was about 10-11ish but over the years progressively became worse, and that's how I got to be in this predicament today. Its been a steady systematic decline over the years.
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It is possible for Ts to be emotionally abusive as they are humans too so don't discount childhood abuse just for that reason. That being said, if you don't feel comfortable with that label, then don't wear it. I've had Ts mention emotional abuse before and I've brushed it off "it wasn't *that* bad..." - not sure if that's true or not as I tend to minimise things but what does it matter. Right now the focus is on coping with day-to-day life.
In a typical day I force myself to:
- walk the dog (which gets me out of the house, which is hard, and exercising)
- try to study/read a book
- do something I used to enjoy even though I don't enjoy it anymore e.g. card making, colouring (very soothing IMO)
- and spend time with others, even if it's only coming out of my bedroom for dinner with my family
All of those things are 'good for me' and so I try to make myself do them everyday. Doesn't happen every day, but most days I can manage most of them. Maybe start your own list, then pick one thing and build on it?
I know someone else mentioned ECT and that sounds kinda scary, but I've seen it done (I was a medical student) and it's not so bad and it works! I'm keeping it in reserve, and I would say that 20 years of severe depression with all the combinations of meds you've tried and therapy means that it may be time to consider it with your pdoc?
Quote:
Originally Posted by jimrat
Pushing is really hard with severe depression. When I was there I had no energy at all. It was like I was sick and demented. Yea I pushed and pushed hard and no one saw it. But thing is what I pushed for was getting out of bed, into a chair, going to the bathroom, eating, keeping myself alive. People think those things take no energy. How wrong they are. So yea, I really worked hard and no one saw it, I was just "lazy" although, comparing to now, just eating and going to the bathroom was harder then than a full day at work is today.
So people can sure stuff it.
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I agree jimrat. There are different degrees of depression and, unless you've been to this level (quoted above), I think it's hard to understand. Yes you have to push yourself, but if pushing yourself is going to the toilet instead of wetting yourself then IMO you *have* pushed yourself, and people calling you "lazy" (which I get all the freaking time) just makes you feel worse.
*Willow*