I feel like a grumpy pants today. I have been struggling a little, but I don't think (or at least I hope) that I'm falling back into a depression. I've been off my meds completely for a month now, for the first time in 6 years.

I'm finding that I sleep better and I feel like I am "feeling" more feelings, like anger, frustration, etc. It's an interesting experience.

However, this morning I woke up with a back ache and am feeling generally down. Some of my days have been good, some have been a little down (but not horrible or intollerable). Some days I am very productive at work, and then there are other days, like today, where it was hard to even make it to work. I know I won't get much done. I'm looking forward to going home. Tonight I told my b/f I would go to his place (over an hour away) for his newphew's b-day party. I don't want to go. I don't want to make the drive. I jsut want to spend some quality time watching t.v.

I have been working late a lot this week, and running errands, so I have not had much down time. I am realizing that I need a signficant amount of time for to be by myself and to just veg out. It's a difficult balance.

I also have been feeling like my self esteem is slipping - I feel horrible about the way I look (which is fine, and normal to other people, so I'm told). I dream of having my eating disorder back. I miss being skinny, terribly. Last night I even dreamt I was back in a treatment facility for my eating disorder. It's sick, I know. I just hate the way I look and am not happy with myself at all. My b/f mentioned that he has seen an increase in me mentioning eating disordered-related thougths. "I wish," I said to myself.

Having had a signifcant history with depression, I am constantly thinking...."am I falling back in"? How do you all deal with the scare of falling back into that place? How do you know if you are slipping, since each episode can be completely different.