Thank you so much. No, that was me

I do despair of finding someone who can work with me. I admit it. I'm not easy. Am I, bigdog? Okay, I'm a hardened case...!

I have reallly benefited from hearing the words of support on this board. Last night was somewhat better. Thanks to you of you....I needed that.

I feel like I am hanging on...but by a thread. I've worked really hard on my therapy process, and I feel like I am making problems but DESPITE my therapists, not because of them, and it wasn't always this way. I wonder if I'm really cut out for this now, which worries me because I wonder if it is some very deep and abiding flaw of mine. But when a therapist continues to shift blame and basically not show up....despite me trying to ask for what I need....and when I'm basically bleeding financially just to pay the bills ($150 for 50 minutes!), there's something wrong. All of those issues aside, I just cannot deal with a therapist who loses their sh%t in the actual appointment.

I guess on some level, I don't think therapy should ever be an argument, and that's what it was. It was horrid...

Others on this board have suggested that I find someone new quickly and that strikes me as sound advice, because I'm internalizing this in a big way and feel fundamentally BAD. I blame myself, and I compare myself to others here who have these amazingly great relationships with their T and I think...what is wrong with me? Then, people post and say, hey, it's cause I worked really hard on it...I don't want to dishonor you..I know you worked really hard on it. so did I! And it still shipwrecked.

I feel kind of inconsolable actually. but your words have helped me in a big way! Please continue to support me.

MCL