I don't know why I overeat, at least not completely. I believe part of it is addiction to sugar, maybe most of it. I feel great pleasure when I eat certain foods. If I don't eat these things, I feel irritable and anxious, which is one of the reasons I think it's an addiction.

I have a lot of low self-esteem, and question myself a lot. And I don't think I have a fear of being womanly and attractive, because I want it immensely. I had a time when I lost all my excess weight, and I loved it, although I had some sagging skin. I just kept eating dessert when I ate out after I met my boyfriend (I wasn't used to eating out so often, and so, where dessert used to be a treat after the rare eating out--once or twice a month--it was suddenly several times a week), and didn't control my eating, so I put the weight back on again.

I'm depressed about my weight almost all the time, I'm scared of having a heart attack and I'm scared I'm going to die. Plus, it takes so much just to lose a few pounds, and when I do lose all this weight, I'm going to look horrible, with all the sagging skin.

I feel like I look like s***. Last night, my bf and I went grocery shopping, and he made his usual joke to the pretty female cashier: "Now, remember, you're supposed to be smiling like you're deliriously happy. (Cashier smiles.) And then they'll give you lots and lots of drug tests!" He does this almost every time, and only for females, especially pretty or at least average ones. He used to fold dollars into cute little shapes and give them to waitresses, but he hasn't done that in a long time. I really feel like crap when he flirts with girls this way, even if he doesn't mean anything by it.