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ThePainNeverDies · Mar 08, 2012, 03:32 PM

I'm almost recovered, I'm still not 100% but I'm able to control it for the work days. I'm back at work at least.

I meant shooting in the sense of photography/modelling

Tonight, all I can say to myself is "I can't do this, I can't cope, I can't do it anymore, I can't I can't I can't" because I'm sitting here, pulling my hair out, scratching myself, absolutely bawling my eyes out because I feel like I'm falling apart and no-one cares, all they want is to test me and when I don't react, push harder to break me.

I sat talking to David last night, getting out of him why he's stressed and not feeling good, I sat there all evening and helped him, tried to come up with ways to make things easier for him. He then asked this morning after I said I'm not coping, why am I not coping? And I said I'd talk about it tonight...

Tonight comes and I find he's made plans to go out with the lads. Fair enough, but he 'forgot' how important it was to me that we talked. Strike one. I then discussed with a 'friend', whilst he was getting petrol, what I'd planned for dinner - it was the first time I'd planned dinner in advance - and he got back into the car after I was about to tell him what I was having for dinner and said 'Oh I'm not coming home for dinner. I'm going straight out.' After whinging about NO money?!?! After whinging about how STRESSED he is because of that no money?? After whinging that I'm not organised when I come home!?!?!? Thanks Dave, really, thank you.

Thank you for 'forgetting' that I'm really not okay and never admit it until I'm literally on the brink of killing myself. Thank you for appreciating that I spent an hour last night making you lunch for today even though I really didn't feel up to it, then throwing half of it away because 'you didn't have time to eat it' MAKE time!! You make time for dinners that you BUY yourself!!! thank you for leaving me standing there crying, falling apart while you dashed out to play games... Yeah, thanks. I feel great right about now.

So, I now have scratches over my face, red, puffy eyes, a sore head, scratches on the palms of my hands and arms and rather painful bones from hitting myself. Great way to spend a Thursday night. All because I feel like all the effort I put into everything, all the effort I could possibly muster up, that I put into everything, is just not worth it, is pointless because I get jip for it. People take the p1ss with it and keep taking, plus they don't even appreciate it, they brush it aside as though it's nothing, throw it away, look at it like it's no more than a piece of **** they just picked up off the floor...

So today, when I was feeling awful and wanting to cry but keeping quiet, mulling things over letting things boil up inside, David was discussing with Hazel who he would drop off first etc. He then turned to me and said "Are you ok with that? Me dropping you off first?" In my head, what was about to come out of my mouth was "I'm not really fussed" But what actually came out was "I don't give a ****." Hazel screwed up her face and went "Alriiiiight!" and David sighed and shook his head, turning to look out of the window. Then he pulled off at the traffic lights at high speed, over revving the engine because he was obviously annoyed.

So, after I realised what I said, I turned and said 'I didn't mean to say that. I'm sorry. I meant to say it doesn't really matter to me, it's not something I care about right now because I have a hell load on my plate and have more important things to be worrying about. Either way it doesn't really matter who's dropped off first, not to me anyway.' And he came back with 'Oh you did mean to say that' to which I replied, 'No. Really David, I didn't. What I thought I was saying was not what actually came out. I didn't mean to say it, it just happened. I'm sorry, I didn't mean it in that way. Ok?'

Again, a shake of the head. Once I'd asked OK again twice, he said 'ok' and then later I muttered that I loved him and he looked at me and said it back. But before he left the flat, even with me standing there falling apart in front of him, he didn't even hug me, kiss me, say goodbye or say anything to comfort me. He just stood there and looked on as I completely fell to pieces. Then left the room when he got a call from Hazel saying he needed to move his car and said he wouldn't come back up because he didn't want to leave her in the car on her own..

How great I felt and still feel. Knowing that he's gone out, to enjoy himself while I'm stuck here crying, feeling like the most pointless person ever created, knowing that I could've been out with my friends had I never moved here in the first place. I resent the fact that he can go out and enjoy himself but I can't because I don't really know anyone here, I feel like a social recluse, like a nobody, someone who people just have there for their own benefit, to use as they wish...

So yeah, I'm feeling really awful tonight, more awful than I've felt in a long time, to the point where I think my slip of the tongue in the car was a dissociation..

I feel terrible. All I wanted was a hug just to say everything would be okay and that he's there for me, but I didn't even get that.

Will it, will I, will everything be okay? I don't know. Right now it doesn't feel that way.