Hey, you know, feel free. v^_^v It's not something that's easy to post or to talk about, but it would be a lot worse if no one wanted to discuss it, so I appreciate you jumping in.

It's probably part of it - I'm not sure it's all there is. It seems very powerful, after all. Ah, not just attention - affection. Attention was easy to get, but it wasn't enough. I needed affection. Family situation was bad, so 'allies', however superficial, were essential. Right, exactly. (There was emotion involved, but not in the way you mean - my psyche screeching in torment, mostly.)

I already had trust issues at that point, so it only compounded them, certainly. It has been kind of a recurrent pattern ever since I was very young. (Helpless - trust issues - helpless again - more trust issues. Once I was finally an adult, I think I just decided enough was enough. Haha.) My control issues are pervasive, but mostly low profile (at least, I think they are). Yes, you're right, there was a lot of using. But I felt that I didn't have a choice, or anywhere else to turn. My mother was very controlling and restrictive, to say the least, so sometimes the only way out from under her thumb was with a boy she approved of.

Both. I'm only willing to provide it on my terms, I suppose. Once I no longer have a use for it, that's that. At least, that's what it seems like to me.

You're quite right. I feel absurd for not realizing it sooner, but then, I'd never had any relationship last long enough for it to become such a huge concern. If someone wasn't happy, I just left. No big deal. But now, I'm actually deeply emotionally involved with the person, so it's a big deal to me. If this relationship ends because of it, I've learned my lesson - not to bother getting serious at all. ^_-v

Thank you. I just wish actually recognizing it meant that corrections could be made. Honestly, I'm pretty adaptive in some ways, but on this issue...I feel utterly locked down. Like there's no way anything can change it. I've tried just enduring sex, but now I'm to the point where I can't even make myself do that. It's rapidly becoming a hot-button issue for me. When I try to talk about it to my partner, the force of my negative emotion is - almost overpowering. I have worked very hard on my control, but feeling that kind of thing seething so forcefully beneath my restraint throws me back to the days when I would just start screaming at people and throwing things. EEK. As it is, some of the things that have come out of my mouth without my permission were pretty bad.

I'd rather be doing a hundred other things. That's like the LAST thing on my list to do, ever. There are lots of other things that are more appealing to me. Things that I can stop, start, or pause however I like.

I really think it's both. If only people weren't so sexual!

Right, and there's no seeing the other's side on this matter! It's kind of hilarious that these sorts of subjects can take so long to come up in a relationship.

My ideal relationship would definitely be without it.

Well, it's odd, because sex with people I love is definitely different than sex with people I don't, but I still don't have that interest in it and would be a lot happier if it never came up at all. But yes, I've always found sex itself to be unappealing or gross, for the most part.

I think that "link" is broken for me, or never formed in the first place. If it hasn't formed by now, I don't know how likely it is to form at this point. I guess I don't really want a healthy, intimate relationship.

I've definitely been working to find a therapist. (Very frustrating, but that's another story.) For myself, but also for this intimacy issue that is driving my partner (and therefore me) crazy.

I'd be fine with just limiting myself to asexual people or people who didn't find sex important, but I am rather attached to this particular person. Again, if this relationship bombs (and I somehow survive it, which I can't really imagine), I will make a note not to give myself the chance to get serious about anyone else. I do not need that kind of relationship fallout.

Your feedback is very helpful, and I appreciate the response. Thank you again.