I have been resistant at times to being on medication. And I have tried to go off multiple times. Sometimes I've been able to cope for fairly long periods of time without the meds, but ultimately I always end up back on them due to major depressive episodes and anxiety. I have come to accept that I need to be on meds, and I have no plans to go off anytime soon, if at all. I know that depression is an illness like any other illness, and it can be treated. While I understand the desire to be "normal", I personally don't feel that you lose your integrity by going on meds. I hope you are feeling better soon.