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glassbonespaperskin · Mar 09, 2012, 04:00 AM

I feel like Ana's voice is starting to become stronger again. I've been doing so well, sort of.

I've been struggling with an eating disorder at least since I was eight years old but I've had signs of it before then. I've been diagnosed with Anorexia and EDNOS alternately off and on. I've been told my particular ED is quite complicated because meeting the requirements of true Anorexia Nervosa are fairly specific, however EDNOS is not and can pretty much mean a few different things. Yet, I've been told I meet both of them just at different times. I would say though for the last few years and currently I would be considered more EDNOS. I'm very inconsistent when it comes to my ED, meaning I can go through periods of extreme restriction and obsessing over weight loss and dieting but then after a little while of that I get to a point where my boyfriend will just slowly start having me eat and eventually I just start eating normal, or at least what normal means to me.

What I'm worried about right now is that I've been doing really... normal, I guess, for quite some time now and it's just been eating at me and eating at me. Now this last week I feel like the ED is starting to make itself apparent to me again. The part that worries me is that I'm okay with it, I want it to get louder. I want to lose this weight I've gained from being a bit healthier. I even ended up buying a bunch of diet pills the other day which is something I stopped doing a few years ago because I have a lot of health problems and also have to take a lot of heavy medications and diet pills can cause some serious issues and/or death pretty quickly for me. I guess the easiest way to explain my ED is it's like Bipolar disorder in the sense that I have these highs where I'm just dead set on allowing my ED to control me and then I get in the lows where I'm just going through the motions and allowing myself to eat somewhat normal without controlling my food, counting the numbers and everything. Right now I think I'm going into a high and I'm sure it's going to take a hold me of again. I wish I cared and didn't want it but I'm now. I'm more worried about losing as much weight as I possibly can rather than focusing on the fact that I'm relapsing.

Anyways, thanks for reading. I know this is a pretty common thing for people with eating disorders. I guess I just needed to get it off my chest or say it 'out loud' or something.

Thanks for listening.