What I hear in your posts: you are smart, emotionally intelligent, insightful, thoughtful, respectful of yourself and others, loving, kind, tolerant, AND, you have a huge capacity for pain. Of course you are many more wonderful things. I am just mentioning a few. Have you looked at your situation from this perspective: you are in this space, albeit a miserable one, for a reason? I am not referring to religion here as I am not at all religious. I do believe our emotional brain (there is such a thing) has tasks for us to accomplish for various reasons, all of which point to a learning process. Whenever I experience repetition in my life I ALWAYS pay attention because it usually means old haunts are returning in order to give me an opportunity to do things differently this time, to learn a new way of being or doing. And I believe those things will continue to come back into our lives until we resolve the conflict associated with that particular issue. Cutting is a classic example and it affects so many people in such a similar way. You think you are done with it, that you have learned new ways to cope, then BAM, it's back and you think, **** ! I have made no progress in my life. But really, it has come back for a reason, perhaps to ask you if you are ready to feel the pain in a healthy way. Whenever I get stuck, I give my emotions a voice and I pose a question: depression, why have you returned? What do you want me to know? What is your purpose? Then I journal and get a tad creative with the answer. Just keep in mind that old material/ issues will continue to return in order to give us a chance to resolve the matter once and for all. Once we have successfully dealt with the issue, it goes away, for good. You speak of many things that have returned. Each issue deserves attention. It is very unfortunate that your emotional brain sent you ALL of these issues at once but that is out of your control. You can choose to list everything, then tackle each issue one by one so you feel less overwhelmed. It sounds like you have a high tolerance for pain, although I can appreciate that it feels very different from where you are. Now you are saying, rightly so, "enough". You are also asking for help and you are reaching out - all good stuff. I liked some of the suggestions you received about going into therapy and dealing with specific issues. Pick a couple that seem central to your depression and start there.
Your Dad's anniversary seems like a logical first step because it's such a pronounced trigger, but I wouldn't be surprised at all if your first choice is something else, like the issue of coping skills or feelings of low self-esteem. Depression can cause us to panic and feel scared and vulnerable but really, it does not sound like you are being held at gunpoint and told to fix everything this minute. You may feel pressure to address everything immediately but in reality you probably have some flexibility with your time. You want "out" of these feelings, who wouldn't, but honestly it just takes time. The more you fight your depression the worse it will become. It does not have to be your enemy. Depression is a messenger that sends us a signal to pay attention to something. Clearly, it has your attention, so listen. What is it saying? Only you have the answer but a trained clinician can guide you there. Listen, be patient with yourself- it's not a race, and take things on a little at a time. Your posts make it clear that you already have many of the skills needed to do the work. Now, slow down, take a breath, and try posing a question. You might be really surprised to "hear" the answers to your questions. Give it a try if it doesn't sound too crazy to you. What do you have to lose? Lastly, give yourself credit for what is going right in your life. Y